‘Headset Lesbians’ & Other Reliable Dykes

It was the summertime of 2015 and
my sweetheart
and I happened to be en route to
Flames Isle
for a weekend trip from inside the lesbian refuge that’s
Cherry Grove.

“Babe we’re

so

later, we are going to skip the ferry!” I yelped, as I fished inside my personal dirty classic Chanel case for cash. “SHIT. There isn’t cash for the ferry, either!”

“Gah, babe! That was the one thing you had been supposed to do,” my gf moaned, drastically changing lanes, flipping off of the some other autos.

“It is your error we’re later! You could potentiallyn’t get a hold of your own driver’s license! Which seems to lose their unique drivers license?”

She slammed about horn. “You destroyed yours last week! You kept it behind that bar from inside the East Village, and never chose it up, which is the reason why you are utilizing your

passport

as an ID! Just who uses their particular

passport

as a type of ID!”

Touché.

After a panic-stricken automobile journey, we finally found its way to Sayville, lengthy isle where the ferry takes off. As we haphazardly pulled to the dock, we observed a fleet of sensible-looking
lesbians
calmly drinking on ice-cold drinks peacefully awaiting the arrival for the boat. Their unique suitcases had been completely arranged and perfectly beside them. They had just what were a healthier case of goods civilly positioned in a cooler that has been—no joke—on

rims

. These people were dressed in garments they were able to relocate: loose-fitting shorts and shoes.

At the same time, my girl and I also were a hot mess. I happened to be sporting modern platform shoes that have been reducing into my personal feet therefore savagely i possibly could scarcely go. My tubing very top kept slithering down my personal chest, so every few steps I got to end, fall my personal huge handbag case on the soil, and pull-up my leading. My personal girl had been sweating and crazy within her leather-jacket. (Just who the wears leather-based during the summer? Oh, I forgot.

We carry out.

) She needed to go to the restroom. I became shouting we didn’t have time on her to visit the bathroom, the f*cking FERRY was about to exit, while the subsequent any was not coming back for just two several hours. She screamed back at myself. We looked at the comfortable lesbians who had been smugly drinking their unique beers, enjoying united states unravel with sympathetic eyes. One even accessible to

assistance

.

That’s when it hit me.

I happened to be missing an important lesbian gene. Thus ended up being my personal sweetheart. The “efficient” gene.

A lot of lesbians are incredibly very

with each other

, so incredibly organized and on time, you can not help but feel

safe

around all of them. At that time, we fell as a result of my proverbial legs and prayed into the
Indigo Girls
any particular one day, we also maybe an high-functioning lesbian who causes it to be to your ferry early adequate to delight in a clean alcohol in the pier. (I do not drink alcohol, but whatever.)

Honoring these wonderful creatures, I decided to accomplish a roundup of all the various kinds of responsible
dykes
. For they hold unhinged lezzies, at all like me,

alive

(perhaps not an exaggeration).

1. Headset lesbians

Headset lesbians are magical creatures. If they operate in the theater, volunteer at the
local homosexual pride
parade, operate security at concerts, or are captains of award-winning providing teams, you can always see them pacing about aggressively whispering instructions into a headset. They generally come upon as harsh, and they’re typically sticklers about “the guidelines,” even so they keep everything working as easy as

velvet

. They make sure you don’t trip over those haphazard orange cones spread about road fairs; they keep your technology in balance during the huge Broadway play and ensure Ariana Grande is secure from crazy enthusiasts whenever she is belting “Thank U, Following” from the

Now

tv show.

They have an all-natural authority about all of them, and that is

such

a turn-on.

2. Dog-walking lesbians

A specialist dog-walking lesbian is one of the most trustworthy lesbians might actually ever meet. You know your
valuable little angel fur baby
will be more than secure while in the proper care of a dog-walking dyke. You are sure that they are going to march the pup down the street with a

military class

leash, will examine their poop and give you a complete, detailed report about what they believe is actually completely wrong using their digestion systems, and they’ll actually prepare your puppy even though they’re at it!

I delivered my personal puppy to a lesbian dog-walker twice, and he came ultimately back speaking proficient Mandarin.

3. Lesbians in uniform

I favor a lesbian in consistent.

Purr

. Once I head to a
homosexual club
and there is a fierce, no-nonsense lezzie checking IDs during the bar, I believe

therefore

shielded.

So

safe.

So

adored.

As I see a lesbian cop with a tightly pulled back ponytail and aviators strapped to the woman face, I’m filled with a burning aspire to dedicate a criminal activity, just so that they can ~stop~ me personally. Lesbian firefighter? I dare one put out these fiery flames, MEOW!

The truly amazing component about being

pals

with lesbians in uniform is the fact that even when the consistent is actually off, they cannot assist but take-charge from the situation. No-one will ever wreck havoc on you when you yourself have a lesbian in uniform hanging around you. Regardless if she is not sporting it. It is an

power

, girl.

4. Finance lesbians

Lesbians exactly who crush it in money are terrible sluts. They are wickedly smart and wildly unafraid of competition. They somehow are able to destroy 18-hour work times and still take a look elegant within their completely pressed energy fits.

Additionally, there is no-one to hold their particular alcohol like a financing lesbian. No body.

5. Fitness lesbians

Physical Fitness
lesbians are early risers. They can be up-and prepared slay on fitness center by 4:30 a.m. They will have their unique shit

with each other

. They spend their particular Sundays vigilantly meal-prepping, they count their

macros

and lift alarmingly hefty weights even when they can be hungover! They don’t try to let princesses anything like me get away with being bratty or lazy—they’ll whoop my personal spoiled ass healthy irrespective of “how tired” i’m and are generallyn’t misled by eyelash batting or mascara rips.

Whether you’re a lesbian gymnasium teacher in a higher college training the teen softball people or a lesbian personal trainer with a shit-ton of Instagram supporters, i recently would like you to find out that you are remarkable. You will be making ordinary people think shitty about the body, the food diets, and our lives, nevertheless’re nonetheless amazing.

today GET UP AND operate, BITCH!

6. useful lesbians

Some dykes merely emerged stumbling from their mom’s wombs using the intrinsic power to move a hammer properly. Not one person ever trained them how to unclog a toilet, their abilities were

innate.

They can be comparable to wild animals born because of the instinct to move during specific times, merely their own intuition lie in all things useful. Computer don’t operate? Don’t get worried, the useful lesbian is here to correct it. Your fridge is operating? Do not have worry, the convenient lesbian will capture it very quickly! Your lifetime is actually falling into a million small pieces? Don’t get worried, the useful lesbian reaches your own doorway, with a broom at your fingertips, prepared sweep within the parts and put you right back collectively.

They should have something for this type of lesbian, for all requires a handy lesbian often. 1-800-dial-a-dyke. Who wants to spend?

7. Bartending lesbians

Lesbian bartenders
would be the fantastic multitaskers of this cruel, cold world. They may be pleasant and naturally sexy, and they will not accept bullshit. They’ll not think twice to throw you outside of the club if you’re getting rude or overly rowdy. They’ll never ever, previously, screw up your beverage order. They use their keys to their buckle circle and constantly recreation thick-soled shoes like Dr. Martens to be certain they don’t really get spider veins from everything waiting. Obtained

swag.

They can be additionally normally
great during sex.

8. Activist lesbians

When it just weren’t the
activist lesbians
, we wouldnot have

homosexual rights

. Anyway. That do you believe organizes the marches? Who do you think rounds up the public and drives bus-loads of protestors to Arizona, DC? Just who appears with indications and posters to rally, even though its freezing and pouring outdoors? Just who causes every goddamn personal movement contained in this nation?

Activist lesbians. With out them, we’re nothing. So worship these tough forces and join their unique honorable crusade.

9. The camp counselor lesbian

The lesbian camp counselor had been constantly the most vibrant camp consultant at summertime camp. She led sets of teenager ladies on empowering hikes through gorgeous hills. She safeguarded you from being mauled by wild bears thereon camping excursion. She instructed you the way to tackle

hockey

. She launched that iconic artists such as the
Indigo Women
and
Ani Difranco
. She made certain no-one cheated during color combat.

No matter how hard you TRIED to get her interest as you happened to be very drawn to the girl, she never got weird to you. For the camp, counselor lesbian is filled with integrity rather than crosses any traces. She actually is strong, strong, responsible and entirely rocks the whole walking boots with short pants seem.

10. The caretaking lesbian exactly who sometimes the drunks

Often there is that *one* lesbian whom stays reasonably sober and causes it to be her civic obligation to maintain her slew of burned friends. She makes sure they go into legal taxis when people they know begin stumbling, they keep an eye on everybody’s charge cards and certainly will kick anyone’s ass whom dares to mock their own drunken, stupid buddies.

We owe

our life

to your caretaking lesbian just who leaves with our burned antics. We beg of you reckless drunk lesbians,

admiration

nearby custodian. Just take this lady aside for a night on the town, and stay sober and manage the girl at last. She warrants it! Purchase her goddamn supper!

She is the absolute most genuine buddy might ever have.